Who I am hates who I've been
by CartoonJessie
Summary: In my own defense, I can only say that it happened in an instinct. I saw her coming towards me – her hands glowing from the firebending attack she had prepared for me. I was cornered and all out of water. And in an instinct, I forgot the vow I made to myself to never bloodbend any living being again.


_Who I am hates who I've been._

In my own defense, I can only say that it happened in an instinct. I saw her coming towards me – her hands glowing from the firebending attack she had prepared for me. I was cornered and all out of water. And in an instinct, I forgot the vow I made to myself to _never_ bloodbend any living being again. I was disgusted with myself as I did it, but at the same time I wanted to _survive_. I did not want the Avatar to destroy what I had worked for so hard – not like the Avatar before her had done to my father. I did not want to be _broken_.  
But maybe I already was.  
And now that the adrenaline is gone from my body, I ask myself how I could do this to her. _Korra_.  
I hate myself for what I did.

* * *

I don't know what had come over me. It was the most intense fight I had ever been in. Without a doubt, Tarrlok was the most skilled waterbender I had ever fought against. His attacks cut me and feeling my own blood on my body awoke the predator in me. If he was willing to hurt me like this, I would show no compassion. I would kill.  
It was not something I actually thought about – it was an instinct. It came over me in the heat of battle.  
But looking back at it now, I understand why _he_ did it – why he bloodbent me. I would have taken _his life_. He was defenseless and I would have struck a fatal blow. I can't believe I lost all control like that. It was _Tarrlok_! He had saved my life on several occasions. And I would have killed him _in an instant_. How could I have done this to him?  
I hate myself for what I did.

* * *

"Avatar Korra?"  
"I'm still here. Not like I've got anywhere to go in this little box of yours."  
"Can we talk?"  
"We are talking."  
"Without you being locked up, I mean."  
"Oh."  
"And please do not attack me."  
"I thought we had established already that you are the more powerful one in this relationship. I'm not going to provoke you into bloodbending me again. It's not something I want to relive."  
The door opened slowly and Tarrlok gazed inside to see Korra sitting down, her look defeated and sad. She looked up to him to see the same things in his eyes.  
He sighed. "My life is over now."  
There was no blame in the way he said it. It was as though he was announcing tomorrow's weather forecast. He stepped inside the box and sat down besides Korra. She moved over a little – the box was rather small after all. Even though she was feeling rather sad herself, she looked at him curiously. It was unexpected to hear him speak to her in such a soft tone.  
"I'm sorry for what I did to you, Korra." He looked her in the eyes for a moment, before he looked away again and stared into the distance. "I vowed to myself to never bloodbend anyone in my life. And yet I did. And it wasn't even a monster like Amon, but a…" He could not say it and rubbed his forehead with the palm of his hand.  
He was surprised to suddenly feel her hand on his shoulder. She nodded, as though she wanted to say that she understood. "I would have killed you," she stated blankly. "I was a monster too. It's not something I'm proud to admit. I'm so sorry, Tarrlok…"  
They looked at each other, seeing tears build in the other's eyes.  
"Can you forgive me?" he whispered to her.  
She nodded, feeling how her voice broke. "If you can forgive me too."  
As she started sobbing, Tarrlok suddenly put his arm around her and pulled her closer against him. She did not resist, instead she turned her face to cry in his jacket.  
"I never wanted to become this," he muttered sadly.  
"I'm sorry I never left you a choice."

THE END

* * *

Reviews are very much appreciated! :-) I made a wallpaper to go with this. You can find it on my Tumblr, along with many other Korrlok things. :-)


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